I am a 3 foot tall gremlin that lives in your computer. I steal your socks and sell them to drug lords. You can learn a lot from a gremlin.

To begin with, let's talk about how to deal with Gremlin Personality Disorder.

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1. Be willing to back up your statements with facts - or at least some pretty sound reasoning.

2. Don't expect them to respect you or your viewpoints just because you say so. Gremlin respect is earned.

3. Be willing to concede when you are wrong. The average Gremlin respects the truth over being "right". Withdraw your erroneous comment and admit your mistake and they will see you as a very reasonable person. Stick to erroneous comments and they will think you are an irrational idiot and treat everything you say as being questionable.

4. Expect debate. Gremlins like to tear ideas apart and prove their worthiness. They will even argue a point they don't actually support for the sake of argument.

5. Do not mistake the strength of your conviction with the strength of your argument. Gremlins do not need to believe in a position to argue it or argue it well. Therefore, it will take more than fervor to sway them.

6. Do not be surprised at sarcasm.

7. Remember that Gremlins believe in workable solutions. They are extremely open-minded to possibilities, but they will quickly discard any idea that is unfeasible. Gremlin open-mindedness means that they are willing to have a go at an idea by trying to pull it apart. This horrifies people who expect oohs and ahhs and reverence. The ultimate Gremlin insult to an idea is to ignore it, because that means it's not even interesting enough to deconstruct.

8. Do not expect Gremlins to actually care about how you view them. They already know that they are arrogant monsters with a morbid sense of humor. Telling them the obvious accomplishes nothing.

9. Don't cross a Gremlin. They are evil, scheming, vengeful little creatures that will come back to haunt you.

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Now that you are familiar with Gremlins, you and I can communicate. Let's start with my first response from Lyons.

To respond to your inane assumptions about American policy and immigration on the one hand seems rediculous on the other it is necessary. One cannot allow such mindless utterings to go unanswered.

However, it isn't just our government that classifies people who are visiting this country, legally or non, as non citizens. The dictionary does that. How else could they be classified?

Have you heard of the rule of law? We are a nation of laws. Individuals coming here without correct documentation are breaking our law. Why don't you think that important?

In order to take up residency in this country, many of these entering illegally and the individuals profiting from human traffiking, have resorted to stealing documents from "American Citizens", it's called idenity theft. Big crime!!! And I'll bet that if you had been a victim of this crime, you might think differently of those committing the crimes and their "noble" purpose for doing so.

To summarize Lyons' points and questions:

1.  I am making inane assumptions.
2.  Why shouldn't we classify illegal immigrants the current way, deporting them on capture?
3.  Why don't I think enforcing illegal immigration is important?
4.  Illegal immigrants steal American identities.

My response:

If you assume there's a gremlin, then look for one, you'll probably find a gremlin.

How am I supposed to steal socks to feed my slug army? You must think I love Mexican socks. ;lasjdfsd;aklsdf what is wrong with you?! You Americans don't reproduce. Mexicans keep your population rate above extinction. George Bush knows that. Gremlins know that. Why don't you?

If you want to see a real invasion, just wait until I conquer your refrigerator with 20,000 slimy gastropod molluscs. Your kitchen, your meat, and all your produce will be mine nyahahahaha! That's right. The Mexicans and I are taking over America, and there's nothing you can do about it! You're going to lose everything!

But we'll let you keep a dictionary. Maybe once you learn how to spell you'll be able to do things like deal with multispecies insurgencies.